Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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