She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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