Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
