I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i dont even know how to be here
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
