I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i came on her dog
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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