I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just cut my nipple shaving
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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