he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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