the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
