Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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