I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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