I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
