At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
