All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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