I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
