I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
