Cold hands, warm shart.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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