I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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