I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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