life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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