Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
