Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
