I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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