I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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