I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
