New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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