I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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