I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
