dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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