My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she smelled like a LAN party
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
