Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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