I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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