i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
