How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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