I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
