We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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