I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
last night I used snow as a chaser
where are my eyebrows?
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