I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
