He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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