my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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