That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
