apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
