i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
