Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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