dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
