just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
