so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
as a side note pls kill me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
