I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
