I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
