I want to make a zoo with you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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