I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My cat gives me a boner
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
