Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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